Albert Einstein receives credit for these words: “Only a life lived for others is worth living.” Relatively speaking, his wisdom remains only a catchy theory until deliberate action takes place.
Too often, though, busyness and distractions thoroughly occupy the one essential element of life that’s needed… Read More (column published in the Holland Sentinel 11/23/2012)
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Nationally syndicated newspaper columnist Betsy Hart focused on my new book, Lessons Kids Need to Learn. Click here to read her column “Hart: Lessons kids need to learn” that appears in hundreds of papers across the country. To read the article in the Chicago Sun Times, click here!
Sometimes, though, the key to great questions rests less with what’s asked and more with who does the asking. Whether you serve as a child’s mentor, minister, or mother (fathers too), consider the positive impact that deliberate questioning delivers—with an important twist.
A description will help. Yesterday I met with the young boy I mentor. We sat in a hallway/lounge area at school and munched on a snack. For ten minutes or so, I asked question after question to kick start a conversation. What did you do over the weekend? What are your summer plans? What’s your favorite thing to do when it’s warm outside? My inquiries stirred little interest, as proven by the brief responses. Then the breakthrough happened. The little guy suggested we move on to a book he brought about animals. “Here’s what we’ll do,” he said. “I will read about an animal, and you try to guess the name of the animal.” Across the next twenty-five minutes, he read several short descriptions. When I struggled with my guesses, he offered clues. For instance, after listing a few characteristics of one particular animal, he said, “Starts with a ‘p’ and ends with ‘y.’” (the answer: Pony) For another animal, “Has a real thick coat of big brown hair. Eats fish from streams, he’s a _____.” “Hmmm,” I said. “Starts with ‘b’ and ends with ‘r,’” he said. “Do beavers eat fish?” I asked. “Grrrrrrrrr!” he said. I then guessed right. (the answer: Bear) Throughout this back-and-forth exercise, we shared comments about animals; some that he’s seen before, his favorites, interesting physical features, and whether or not each would make a good pet. Each of these discussions started based on his interest. Quite a contrast from the interrogation method I tried earlier. So what’s the point, you ask? Simple; questions will definitely help conversations—especially when a child does the asking. Here’s why: Children routinely must field questions from adults. But the chance to ask the questions validates and affirms their worth. Ah, the power that comes from questions! During the years I spent in children’s ministry leadership, I enjoyed the opportunity to speak at conferences with my colleague Sue. Full disclosure: she served as the main presenter and I typically delivered announcements with an occasional full talk when an opening arose.
Sue and I knew that feedback would come our way from several people who held responsibility for the quality of conferences. “Feedback for quality improvement” some would say. “Ouch” is how we felt. To avoid hearing only stinger comments, Sue and I made a pact with one another. In the first moments after one of us finished speaking, the other would provide at least three strong positive comments. “Celebrate what went well” is what we called it. “Affirmed” is how we felt. My daughter plays tennis for her high school team. Regardless of the outcome, the first words she hears from me are positive comments about what went well. I hope she feels affirmed. Her coach can handle the quality improvement later. Big effort deserves celebration. I learned this truth from Sue, and I’m glad I did. My daughter appreciates my comments. A mentor described the progress his young charge has made in math using familiar language: “No matter how many wrong answers he gives, I congratulate him for the right answers. I think that’s why he’s willing to keep trying.” Children need the celebration and affirmation as much as they need the coaches and critics. And they need them in that order. Parents, mentors, anyone: before correcting or criticizing, provide positive comments. In front of people, while facing an opponent, or while tackling a math worksheet—all require effort. And celebrated effort turns into repeated effort. Over time, improvement will happen. It worked for me. Thanks, Sue! (Read more about this topic in a chapter titled “Find Your Unique Fit / Find Out You Can Fail” in the new book Lessons Kids Need to Learn.) For some reason that eludes my limited technical ability, my printer will not properly align. It’s a common procedure; after replacing the toner cartridge, the printer automatically uses an extraordinary amount of new toner to bathe a sheet of paper with color and patterns that mean nothing to anyone other than those who sell the cartridges. Yes, they will see you again soon.
What “alignment” actually means remains a mystery to me because all the stuff I print looks just fine. Yet I continue to see the big, bold, and obnoxious warning: “Printer Alignment Failed.” I’ve re-run the alignment procedure so often that my toner cartridge is low again. Seriously, I’d like to move on past my failure, but my computer constantly shares the failure message. Every time I turn it on. Every day. And there’s nothing I can do to turn that message off. Why doesn’t the computer give me credit for all the wonderful updates successfully installed? Or when I remember to empty the recycle bin? Too many kids wonder the same thing. They constantly receive reminders about their shortcomings (grades, disparaging comments, put-downs, “why won’t you___” remarks, the list could go on long enough to drain a toner cartridge). In research for my new book (Lessons Kids Need to Learn), a student said, “When all I hear is correction, life starts to feel like a mistake.” A correction is needed. Please make a deliberate effort to share at least one positive message with a child whenever you spend time together. Just one affirming or encouraging comment is a message that will realign a kid’s perspective.
I mentored a young boy who enjoyed Star Wars books. During our time together, we took turns reading pages. Several minutes into one of our sessions, I finished reading a page and waited for him to start. Instead, he pointed at my page. So I re-read it, believing he hadn’t listened well. When I came to the end of the page, he pointed again; this time at a specific word. “What word is that?” he asked.
“Stop,” I said. “Right. But you kept saying ‘spot.’” With enough practice, I hope to read at a third-grade level soon. Maybe something more needs to happen, though. Especially for a child who, for whatever reason, finds himself struggling at school. After all, studies show that a child who falls behind after the first grade has only a one in eight chance of ever catching up with classmates—unless extraordinary measures happen. Maybe extraordinary isn’t so hard, though. Robert’s reading skills were so far behind in third grade that his principal believed he would likely never graduate. From elementary school. His constant unruliness made her prediction easy to accept. But then a local church began a partnership with Robert’s school and launched a KIDS HOPE USA mentoring program. His teacher recommended him for the program, and soon Robert began meeting with his mentor. Robert’s mentor possesses no skills as a tutor or in reading development. But he does possess a big smile and a stubborn belief in the little boy he meets every Wednesday afternoon. So he encourages him to try, and affirms effort big and small. Fast forward to fifth grade, and a well-mannered boy appears. Robert’s principal now lists him as one of the school’s best readers, and believes he’ll definitely graduate. From high school. “What happened with Robert is a miracle,” she says. “Oh, all I did was help him believe in himself,” his mentor says. “And I taught him how to shake hands and treat others.” No matter how hard you practice, you can’t make a miracle happen for yourself. But you can put yourself in position to help a miracle happen for someone else. What children need most in this world is an adult, at least one, who deliberately and diligently builds into that child. Someone who cares enough to teach her valuable life lessons. Who cares enough to encourage and affirm. Who shows up. And stubbornly paints a hope-filled picture of that child, for that child. Eventually, something extraordinary will happen. Actually, a miracle. Just ask Robert.
Just over eighteen years ago, my wife gave birth to my son.
In the long nights of sleep deprivation that followed, I dreamt of him growing up to become an incredible young man. Every parent wishes the same thing for their sons and daughters. A daunting question typically interrupted those dreams: What do I need to do? I realized that I have just one round of parenting him, and I wanted to get it right. But how? Honest answer: I don’t know. Really honest answer as a dad of a newborn: I haven’t a clue and don’t care right now because I really just hope I don’t do something wrong and break him. He seemed so fragile. Changing diapers soon turned into frequently buying new shoes as he grew and grew. My daughter arrived nearly sixteen years ago and I had similar dreams, the same big question, and unchanged answers. Twelve years ago, I unwillingly began a battle with cancer. I started to feel a sense of urgency about what I need to do as a parent. When you believe your days are numbered, you resolve to make them count. I wondered if my one shot at parenting might come to a premature end, so I decided to take it more seriously. “I don’t know what to do” somehow seemed not good enough. Two weeks ago, my son signed a letter of intent to play college football. He’s definitely not fragile anymore. In a matter of months, we will move him into a dorm, give him a big hug, and drive home. I fully expect to ask myself a question: How did I do? Sure, parenting doesn’t stop with him going away to school. But this season does. My daughter leaves two years later. Once again I’ll ask: How did I do? While I don’t advocate over-parenting that smothers a child, under-parenting serves children poorly, too. The challenge: Parent well with that one shot. Yes, other factors will also shape children. None will impact my kids as much as my one shot. Sobering or over-dramatizing? Maybe. But there’s no escaping it as true. |
AuthorDavid Staal writes, speaks, consults, and has filled a career with executive and leadership positions Blogs/Articles |