Simple messages can make profound differences.
Duke University’s legendary basketball coach, Mike Kryzyzewski, is a big fan of the statement I believe in you. He says, “Those four words can mean the difference between a fear of failure and the courage to try.”
Tell your child I believe in you as many times, and in as many ways, as you can. Every kid needs to feel accepted and valued. He constantly wonders about himself and wrestles with competing self-perceptions—his abilities versus his inabilities. Ideally, the people closest to him will help tip the scales in this internal battle.
The thought process works something like this: “My dad believes in me—so I should believe in myself.”
A child propped up by such confidence will face the inevitable challenges of life with resolve. Such was the case with Wilma Rudolph. Early in life, doctors told her mother that, due to a debilitating disease, Wilma might not walk again. Wilma decided to embrace a different prognosis. “My mother told me I would, so I believed my mother.”
And that belief became the foundation that later enabled her to become a U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist in the 100, 200, and 400 (relay) meter races.
One of my favorite illustrations of this principle comes from Ben Zander, conductor of Boston Philharmonic Orchestra and a professor at the New England Conservatory of Music. He believes grand potential is released when belief replaces reasons for self-doubt, which is why he gives all his students the grade of “A” at the beginning of the course. Their first assignment is to write him a letter, dated at the end of the term, which explains the story of what the student will have done to earn this high mark. His philosophy: “This A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into.”
Give your child an A and watch him or her live into the possibilities you’ve inspired.
This topic came up one day over lunch with my friend and mentor Dick. I asked him what advice he had for me about raising a teenager—after all, my son’s thirteenth birthday was quickly approaching, and I’ve heard that parenting challenges change when the teen years arrive. “Expect the best from him, and tell him that you do,” Dick said. “Then watch him chase it to make it happen.”
Then Dick got more specific. “For instance, many parents joke about how awful they expect their children to be as drivers. Your son as a driver might seem a long way off, but it’s not. So instead of making light of him, take any opportunity you have to tell your son that you believe he’ll make an excellent driver some day, and give him a reason or two why. Take that same logic about predicting his success and apply it to as many situations as you can.”
Nobel Prize winning author Toni Morrison says, “Long before I was a success, my parents made me feel like I could be one.” Her observation is a powerful one—and one we can put to use with kids of all ages.
Many of our country’s incredible educators know how to inspire life-changing confidence. We can learn (and apply) lessons from how they share simple messages that make profound differences. Let’s start with a Kindergarten teacher in Indiana, who begins class every day with a three-statement, repeat-after-me exercise:
“I am kind.”
“I am smart.”
“And I am brave.”
Can words really make such a big difference? Yes.
Pastor and author Jack Hayford tells us why: “It is perhaps among the most humbling features of God’s ways with humankind that He confers upon us a staggering degree of power (and responsibility) in the capacity of our words to cause things to happen.”
Our world desperately needs more kind, smart, and brave people. So, what words will you tell your children?
*Portions of this column come from David’s book, Words Kids Need to Hear
© 2021 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
You likely know someone who lost a job. Someday his or her unemployment will end, and a new job will begin – but not soon enough. Four Corners of Grace will help that person make the hard journey from today to “someday.”
This new book strengthens the heart and provides reason for hope. It’s a fast read, and the impact is immediate. Your friend or colleague will thank you for sharing a source of fresh, life-giving perspective.
Or maybe it’s for you.
Look hard at today to see a brighter tomorrow.
So much has changed these days that even the word change became pivot.
Plenty of other vocabulary variations have taken place:
Let’s turn attention back to pivot.
As a native of Indiana, the state crazy for basketball, pivots seem humorously simple. But for nonprofit organizations, they’re no laughing matter. For some, a pivot must happen, or the game is over. Seriously.
In a basketball gym, rules allow a player with the ball to turn and face a different direction (a pivot) as long as one foot remains on the floor and does not fully lift or slide. In the nonprofit arena, let your mission and values serve as the foot that stays grounded. Swing that program, events plan, or fundraising effort as far as needed.
The challenge every organization faces – determining what direction is the right way to go, and how far is enough. A daunting task indeed when considering that no one really knows what to expect in the future. Or even next week. Keep this truth in mind: Nobody knows, which means everyone offers guesses. Oh wait, I mean projections based on the latest models.
However, shelter in place does not mean stand still and do nothing. Very few organizations have the option to hibernate until this harsh season changes. You owe it to the people you serve, the people you lead, and the people who fund you to figure out what change(s) to make.
The starting point for any pivot: Ask the right questions. The type with hard answers that could change everything and even threaten your organization’s relevance or reason to exist. Or they might affirm it all and point toward new opportunities. Yes, go there.
Every entity works within its unique realities, so you and your team must determine the specific questions that ache to be asked. What was once important, practical, or feasible might now be quite different – and will drive the need to consider changing. Some situations call for minor modifications; other circumstances require pivoting with heft. This search for the right questions to ask will only work well when you worry less about how things look and more about how things are. Perceptions often prove far too weak to lean on when challenging times arrive. Reality provides the firm footing needed.
To start, let’s rummage through a pile of questions unearthed by other organizations as they dig to find their best pivots, and then ask them in your specific context.
How has the constituency we serve changed?
For example, if an organization serves students, then all will be fine when school opens this fall, right? Not so fast. Will school open? Will they allow visitors? What schedule will they follow? What changes will take place that may or may not accommodate your program? Organizations that serve in elementary, middle, and high school face these questions, as do those who operate on college campuses. While operational challenges mount, demand might also increase. Keep demand in mind as a story to tell with donors because great cases for funding involve pivoting changes into new opportunities.
Key question: How does our program need to change for us to continue pursuing our mission?
What about events?
Many associations have gatherings as a core element of how they serve members. National, regional, annual, quarterly, networking, training, or any other type of in-person get-together deserves sober scrutiny. For some associations, other income streams will continue to provide funds. Others, though, face dire futures if they can’t assemble their members because events serve as the reason they exist. Even though governors will eventually relax guidelines, that’s not the same as an individual’s willingness to travel and attend. Imagine the value potential from a pivot from gather together to meet you where you’re at.
Key question: What shifts should we consider to how we keep our members feeling like they belong and are being served?
What about donors?
Sure, the stock market will bounce back and with it preserve the investment portfolios that drive the amounts many foundations grant each year, which should preserve the total amount foundations give. However, many made early and extra gifts (to all who did: well done!) that could impact gift levels throughout the remainder of their fiscal years. What about your largest individual donors? Many own businesses, so what bounce will they experience – and when? Lower-end donations will diminish, as seen in recent survey data that shows 64 percent of churches experience decreased giving (click here to read). As the collection plate goes, so goes the small gift segment. Mid-level donors will always remain a hard-to-solve mystery, but smart money will bet on a significant decline in their giving too. However, there seems to be a collective national vibe of getting through this together and an appetite for innovative solutions. How would your donors react to a message pivot that turns remember that we need you into a new story to tell?
Key questions: By segment, what can we anticipate from our donors and what should we proactively do as a result? What’s our fresh approach and our new story to tell?
What will happen with public funding?
Government grants seem generous now, but will money continue to flow to NGOs once the urgency around COVID-19 diminishes? What will the government’s posture look like toward the social services sector whose clients’ needs multiply due to the economic crisis that promises to linger? How reliable will national, state, or local government funding become going forward, especially when tax revenues fall and direct assistance bills mount? When government funding falls short, competition increases for support. But now is a tough time to consider ramping up infrastructure. Has the time come to pivot from react on our own to collaborate?
Key question: What options exist to navigate drops in public support, and how might we re-position to avoid such decreases?
Pivots and changes have become so common that they will, without doubt, play featured roles in the much-anticipated new normal. Ask the right questions and you’ll be part of it too.
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Part 2: Craft Your Message
Evenings provide quiet moments to reflect on today’s activities and anticipate tomorrow’s possibilities. Our minds comfortably toggle between two points.
Another area worthy of such dual examination: Fundraising. Last week we looked at how to improve donor communications. Now let’s explore what to include in message(s) you share.
Your organization or association faces unique challenges. Assume donors / members also deal with their own world of complexities, which means they likely know nothing specific about your current situation, program, or needs. From that safe (and profoundly sensitive) perspective, consider six key ingredients for effective messaging. Mix this half-dozen together in whatever measures make most sense for you – and a strong message will emerge.
Provide an inside look, first on the constituencies you serve and then on your organization. Use strong, crisp stories for the former and a chart/graph to describe the latter. Share new stories and fresh information that recipients can find nowhere else and have not received before. Now is not a good time to recycle content. General stories generally accomplish nothing – so keep them specific, lively, and purposeful: Make ‘em laugh or make ‘em cry, just help ‘em see why their support makes a real difference. You achieve organizational transparency with perspective that feels vulnerable and difficult to share. Supporters love brutal honesty.
Change is now normal. Even expected. Share brief descriptions of recent pivots your organization has made to continue pursuing your mission. Be specific and make sure what you share comes across as both tangible and logical. If an event had to be cancelled but a free webinar took place with a popular speaker, share it as an example of hard work to keep up with the cards that reality dealt you – along with how many people attended, a key point or two the speaker shared, and any similar upcoming plans. Directly connect the event with your mission.
If income dropped, if unexpected expenses arrived, if finances threaten to erode or erase what you do, say it. What major issues prevent you from moving forward? Describe the issue, the impact, and the options you face. Use definitive statements to describe lack of attendance, lack of access, lack of awareness, or any other lacks you face. In his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, Nobel prize recipient Daniel Kahneman writes, “If you care about being thought credible and intelligent, do not use complex language where simpler language will do.” Clarity always beats cleverness. The likelihood of receiving support goes up when recipients easily understand the need, the reason, and the request.
Enormous wealth has vanished in the markets and most industries experienced heavy losses, so many companies, foundations, government, and individuals have less money. This means donation levels will likely decrease and competition for gifts will increase. To what extent no one knows because precedent does not exist. Welcome to the new reality; consider it as you discern any gift amount you request or membership fee increase. Now is the time to tout your organization or association’s unique place in today’s world, no matter your size. Use real-life examples to illustrate your impact.
Create a case for support needed now. If you plan to re-engineer soon, let donors know that you’ll update them along the way. An even better approach: Invite your key donors to participate in the planning, or at least provide an opportunity for them to offer ideas. This gesture will result in greater buy-in, even a feeling of ownership. Yes, this item is worth reading the entire article to discover because of the potential upside it will bring to your efforts with key donors. Inviting key supporters to step closer, to join an inner circle, will serve as a strong maneuver against increased competition for funding.
Trim away any need to impress. Instead, show high awareness and authenticity. You will accomplish much when you articulate reality – especially in tough times. Too often, the desire to look good or appear in control results in messages that undermine the true need you want donors / members to understand. Remember that external communications focus on the recipient, not on you. When they serve as invitations for partnership, both parties benefit – the greatest toggle you can achieve.
Up next: The trendy (but important) term “pivot” – what, how, and why for nonprofits.
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Part 1: Six Improvements
Sunsets provide a daily promise: Every end sets up a new beginning.
The end of shelter-in-place and the economic shutdown will launch a new, defined-as-we-go era. After reducing, restricting and removing, the doors will open for rethinking, rehiring, reworking, and more. Much more.
Take a couple deep breaths now and prepare to embrace reality that will soon dawn.
Leadership guru Patrick Lencioni tweeted on April 6: “No organization is going to emerge from this crisis unchanged - I don’t mean [just] financially. During a time like this, we’ll either get better as a result of what we choose to do as teams and organizations, or we’ll be diminished for what we fail to do. And that is the question every leader must answer. Will we get better, or worse?”
Patrick’s prophesy applies as much to associations and nonprofits as it does to businesses. That said, let’s consider how to improve donor communications – a need shared by any organization that solicits donations. Get better in this area, and you will begin your new era strong. How might you change letters, emails, updates, requests, and acknowledgements? These six ideas will deliver immediate and disproportionate impact – while costing you nothing:
1. Segment donors into different groups that will receive different communications. Your supporters likely possess varying appetites for information. A general guideline: The greater the gifts, the more you should feed.
2. With a specific donor group in mind, picture a representative person and craft your message to him or her as if you’re meeting over coffee. A conversational tone invites engagement – on paper, on a screen, and at Starbucks. Formal language falls far short.
3. Use the pronouns “you” and “your” often, while avoiding “I” and “our” whenever possible. The former two should outnumber the latter pair by at least 3 to 1. The word “we” should reference the joint effort of your donor and you, not the organization.
4. Make it fresh; always share something new. Donor communications that read like general overview brochures or, even worse, simply describe the same mission in a different manner invite little or no response. Find someone who writes well to help you. Just don’t continue to waste your donors’ time with dull pieces.
5. Show more, tell less. Illustrate impact through a story. Emotional connection with a donor happens through well-crafted stories. In his book All Things New, author John Eldredge says, “Hope is the sunlight of the soul.” Show how your association or program shines bright, and you’ll secure support from a very deep place within a person. Key word: Show.
6. Transparency must play a leading role. If finances concern you, say it. Or any other difficulty. Donors appreciate your forthrightness when they hear about your challenges. A simple graph or chart can show reality quite well and with punch. Just make sure that you also provide the planned solution, especially the role you want the reader to take. (Read Deliberate but not Desperate)
Using the six items above, read your three most recent communication pieces and look for specific items you could change. Make the edits and then read again. See the difference? Donors will. And they will appreciate your association or organization’s new day.
Next week, part 2 will provide content development suggestions that help you answer the question: What do I say?
This article provides further coaching from writing expert Roy Peter Clark: Make Hard Facts Easy to Read
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Fundraising in Difficult Times, Part 3
You have permission to change. No excuses needed. Change will soon serve as the new normal.
For many, that day has already arrived.
Daily death reports represent families ripped by grief; torn hearts take a long time to heal. Our collective conscience has now sensitized to one another’s health, although we paid a high price to develop such awareness. Doubt others care? Just cough or sneeze in public for the next few months.
Broad societal ills will linger. Millions abruptly lost jobs, billions learned to distance from one another, and economic impact stretches into the trillions. How much will return and when? No one knows. But this we do know: First comes loss, then comes change.
“When the world emerges from the pandemic, the size of the commercial market and the types of products and services our customers want and need will likely be different,” Boeing’s Chief Executive Officer David Calhoun said in a recent message to employees. “It’s important we start adjusting to our new reality now.” (Fortune.com, 04/02/2020)
Mr. Calhoun’s words apply to the nonprofit sector as well. While checking in with a friend who serves as a foundation executive director, he said, “We are busy rethinking how we will do philanthropy.”
Rethinking means new funding decisions based on new priorities and new lessons learned. For a long time, the adage “You’re either growing or dying” drove decision-making for nonprofits. Today, “Rethink or regret” seems more apropos. Wise nonprofit leaders will consider now what new approaches, programs, structures, and messages need to take place – adjustments to a new reality.
Again, you have permission to change. Actually, it looks more like a mandate.
In the immediate term, start with three core questions every organization should answer:
While the pandemic-induced shut-down caught many organizations unprepared, make decisions now to prepare for when everything turns on again. As the president of a healthcare professionals association recently said, “Every organization has received an opportunity to press the big re-do button.”
What specific areas serve as mid- or long-term change candidates? Schedule a video call and brainstorm opportunities around these general topics:
For many organizations, these are no small changes. True; but remember that you now have permission.
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Fundraising in Difficult Times, Part 2
Two words describe the fresh wind blowing across our land: “People first.”
The old. The young. The health-compromised. The vulnerable. Those without work. Neighbors. Fellow shoppers. The young lady working the drive-through. The delivery guy. The sick. The beloved medical workers and other first responders. Folks we know and those we barely noticed. Until now.
“People first” has moved to center stage and beckons us toward fresh thoughts and ideas. For nonprofit organizations, especially those who fundraise to exist, consider adopting this strategic approach: Stay six feet away but make effort to grow closer.
Let’s dig deeper.
The challenge to raise money grows more daunting every day that the economy remains stuck in pause, no longer producing the funds needed for nonprofits to operate. Meanwhile, the need grows for organizations to serve people whose needs have multiplied. Plus, work has decentralized due to shelter-in-place directives, fundraising events have postponed or canceled, and nearly everyone worries about personal health and that of loved ones.
Regardless of how cleverly delivered, the words “Can we count on your support?” (or any variation) could sound quite callous at this point. Yes, exceptions will always exist. Nonetheless, the days we live right now beg a different approach. Quite different.
Let’s turn attention to a statement made by Patrick Lencioni on a recent LinkedIn post: “Demonstrate your concern for the very real fears and anxieties that your people are experiencing, not only professionally and economically, but socially and personally.”
His advice applies equally to leaders and fundraisers. Maybe much more than equally for fundraisers. Give strong weight to his final word: personally.
Remember, these are “People first” days we live in.
Last week I sent a very brief message to a key donor, and his long reply started with the words: “Thanks for your message. My wife and I…” After reading the three paragraphs that followed, he asked about my family and me. Similar exchanges repeated with several donors, and I learned a valuable lesson.
Now, right now, is the time to check in with as many donors as possible. Person to person. Email, text, or phone. Not due to any hint of opportunism. In fact, press pause on asking for anything – that day will come again. But it’s not today. “People give to people,” the saying goes. Show that you are a person, and along the way you’ll show the folks you typically ask for money that they are people first, donors second. People that matter.
This will remove any pressure that accompanies donor communications. To “check in” is simple and brief; ask how they are, then listen/respond to what they say. That’s it. Just don’t ask for money or talk about your organization or its needs.
“I’m going to call my whole list, ask them how they’re doing, and not mention us at all,” a development officer told me. “If a person asks about the organization I’m going to say, ‘That’s not why I called.’”
As billions of people and trillions of dollars remain hostage to a microbe, a new day has arrived, one in which you have permission to take off your fundraising hat. You will give donors you have relationships with – relationships that you’ve been managing and working for all these years – a treasured example of how personal that relationship really is to you.
All "best practices" for fundraising in the past (February 2020 and earlier) must be challenged because the world has changed, and everyone will wobble as we try to walk in a new day that no one understands. Yet, as ancient wisdom says, “This too shall pass.” When it does – in a couple weeks or months – put that fundraising hat back on, knowing you did well when you put people first.
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Fundraising in Difficult Times
.The person who handled our finances came into my office, sat down, and cried. “We don’t have enough money and I have no idea how we’ll get more,” she said between sobs. “I don’t see how we’ll make it.”
That meeting happened in March 2009. The economy had bottomed out, towing donations with it. For many nonprofit leaders, similar meetings will soon happen in their offices.
Back then, I had served barely six months as the organization’s CEO, which meant I knew how to a) log onto my computer, b) use the printer, c) call a meeting, and d) work the coffee maker (somewhat). Solve our financial crisis? No way. Plus, no one told me we were in such a tight spot. Or did they, possibly in those meetings when I had printed an agenda from my computer and offered everyone coffee?
The approach taken back then will work well today – and anytime an economic drop threatens to demolish an organization. Our organization operated as a donation-driven entity, meaning fundraising provided 80+ percent of income. When the market tanks, generosity follows. I don’t like that last sentence; I don’t want it to be true. But it was true back then and it will be true this time around too.
However, your organization need not worry about the broad market. Instead, focus on your donors. Not all donors. Just yours. That’s what we did, and we ended up with a record amount of donations in 2009. And 2010. And the next several years.
This could be your year.
Our approach can become your approach. It’s simple, brutally simple. And that’s why it works. Many fundraising approaches focus on developing systems and complexities. When hard times happen, work the system harder. Ugh! Instead, when challenging times inevitably arrive, do something stronger – and wiser. As the editors of Nonprofit Quarterly suggest in their March 17, 2020, digital issue: “Don’t think small or defensive. Think new world.”
How? Show that you are deliberate, not desperate. Stay with me as I explain.
Our team crafted a plan that showed specifics about how we planned to manage the challenges ahead and included what would happen following those challenges. (Logic based on the “stay two steps ahead” approach you will read about in a future piece.) Sure, it clearly and honestly showed the realities we faced. Here’s the big aha point – it was not a plan that articulated how we would raise much-needed money. Instead, the planning all focused on what we would do, programmatically and operationally, with the money raised based on a presumption of funding success. Or a “forward look” approach for anyone who prefers managerial jargon.
We took this plan to our key donors while many, many other organizations knocked on those same doors and shared woeful, emotion-drenched stories about being victimized by the economy and the catastrophic decline in generosity. Blah, blah, blah. Who do you guess these key donors chose to support with their amazing (yet less numerous) gifts?
Yep, they chose the folks who they believed would deliberately use their money to go forward – and not those that wanted to plug a hole in the hull with dollar bills. Donors want to see a plan – not a plea. Funding pleas sound small and defensive.
The events of 2020 clearly show that a new world has started to dawn, so how will your organization respond? With the same exuberance that fueled your programs in the past, determine how you will passionately pursue your mission in the reality of now, then develop your best projection for the road ahead.
Show what will change. Show what will always stay the same. Show the new impact. Now show it all to funders.
This approach provides firm footing from three truths. First, people (that includes donors) want to support a winning team. Second, positive and transparent messaging within existing relationships yields success. And third, sounding different will create valuable separation from the other voices.
Success happens with strong messaging. Be deliberate, not desperate. Contact me and I’ll help you get it right.
© 2020 David Staal. All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
What goes up must come down.
My son Scott and I decided to take a course to learn rock climbing and rappelling. So, we traveled to Arizona and early one Saturday morning met our instructor Josh. Less than five minutes after meeting us, two things became clear to Josh: 1) We had made one easy climb before, which meant we knew nothing, but 2) we were eager to learn, commitment proved by the fact that we had already purchased legitimate climbing shoes. (More about the shoes to come.)
Five hours later we felt tired, sore, bruised, bleeding, and just smart enough now to know we have a long way to climb before we truly know what we’re doing. That’s okay, because Josh taught us plenty that day.
We began the adventure with a hike around the back of the climbing course that took us to the top. Once there, Josh showed us a pair of 8-inch bolts driven into a rock as large as my garage. Our Yoda-like guide said, “Always know your anchor; you will need to rely on it, so always know what you’re putting your trust in.”
Several more explanations of the function and infallibility of our equipment familiarized us with all the stuff on our harnesses. Good info to know because a few moments later the time came to stand backwards on the edge of a cliff and begin the gravity-defying rappel to the bottom. “When you’re about to make a challenging move, pause for a moment and think about the systems that support you, especially the anchor.”
“Are we starting with a challenging section?” I asked.
“For you it is because it’s your first time.”
Fair enough. A quick scan of my gear and a mental image of those anchors provided enough reassurance to step backwards and begin the descent. While not quite a Tom Cruise maneuver from a Mission Impossible movie, the adrenaline rush hit me big! No wonder Tom makes so many of those films.
Next, we climbed. About half-way up a rock face, maybe 40 feet, another challenge arrived. I felt stuck. No clear next move appeared. For the moment, my feet solidly gripped the rock, thanks to those sweet new shoes. But I knew that moment could not last long. I heard Josh say from the floor that now seemed 400 feet below me, “It’s okay to make a big move because I’ve got you. Trust your equipment. Remember the anchor.”
Emboldened by the image of those 8-inch bolts, I released my right hand, lunged my body weight to the left, and reached high for a grab point that, unfortunately, did not exist. The move made so much sense in my mind. But with nothing to grip, the reality of my situation immediately set in; I will fall. Yep, that’s what happened.
But I only fell a foot or two. The anchors remained in place, the harness held me, and I remained suspended in mid-air. “A few big breaths and plan your next move. You’ve got this.” Josh had confidence in me – just enough for my own to return.
I eventually reached the top and then rappelled back to the ground. As Josh and I bumped fists, he shared wisdom that I needed to hear: “Unless you fall, you will never learn how to completely trust what’s holding you.”
Scott and I both fell that day, making us better climbers. In our own, challenging ways, we both experienced falls in life over the past year. Yet, neither of us plummeted to the floor. Others helped support us, and we held up one another. Still do. And will. Most important, we both have an unmovable, 100 percent reliable Anchor that we remind each other about often. (“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6)
What do you trust? Who or what is your anchor? When you know for certain, you’ll be able to continue going after a fall. You might even try bolder moves.
Everyone falls. Climb on.
© 2020 David Staal All rights reserved. davidstaal.net
Something sacred happens when the sun sets.
My family felt it often when we lived close to Lake Michigan. Several years ago, USA Today listed sunsets over Lake Michigan as some of the best found anywhere. Many evenings we finished dinner, left the dishes, and piled into a car for a couple mile drive to a remote park we dubbed “Sunset Beach.”
A short boardwalk stroll from the parking lot landed us on cool sand and dune grass. Most times, we stopped talking just as the sun hit the horizon and begin its unusually quick drop beneath the water line. We always stayed for the last ray, which would linger as if saying, “Goodbye for now; I’ll be back.”
That’s it; a sacred promise took place. Whatever happened today cannot be changed. But take heart because tomorrow will happen, and with it comes new possibilities, new opportunities, new everything. Watching the sunset fills a heart with such hope. A welcome relief when a day (week, month, year) has felt dark. Or cruel.
A year ago, my wife Becky received a 12:30 a.m. call to tell her that Teri, her lifelong friend (and my friend too) had taken her own life. They were as close as sisters and enjoyed a love that would make real sisters envious. Teri loved our kids as her own. Her smile shone as bright as the sun.
But that sun set all too quickly and we didn’t get to stand and watch it go. Loss works that way; sudden, without warning, and painfully permanent. How does a person recover from something as dark as a loved one’s suicide? I don’t know the entire journey one must travel, but I did write a book about the first steps to take. A short, companioned walk that will take you to a place as sacred as a sunset. One filled with promise. Where you honestly shed the tears that today deserves – yet feel subtle warmth from a ray of hope about tomorrow.
Three years ago, I listened as a high school student at an assembly told nearly 2,000 peers how much she appreciated their help following her best friend’s suicide. “Even when you just smiled and said hello you helped me make it through another day,” she said to a very quiet fieldhouse. “Wow, what grace!” I thought at the time, completely unaware of how life would unfold for my family and me.
Today her words make even more sense after experiencing the hard-to-breathe-without-it-hurting pain that happens when someone close takes his or her own life. Compelled to do something for others who face this horrible situation, and with a blessing from Teri’s family, I wrote Four Corners of Grace to help you or someone you know make it through another day. All the way to the sunset.